


Kisame - Drunk story

by goddamnitaisha



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 08:23:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15020567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goddamnitaisha/pseuds/goddamnitaisha
Summary: Kisame gets somewhat drunk and tells the story on how he had to chase/kill a girl -- and why it was so funny.





	Kisame - Drunk story

“You know,” Kisame said, “I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun with anyone. Wait. Yes, actually I do - do you wanna here about it, huh, Itachi?”

"Mm. Sure."

Kisame waved a middle-aged innkeeper over, with permanently squinted eyes that revealed he how to keep quiet about suspicious figures. If Kisame got a little bit more drunk, no trouble would come of it. As long, of course, as Itachi stayed sober.

“Six more dango sticks,”  Kisame said. He thought he should _better_ keep Itachi a comrade if he was getting drunk.  “And more sake. I’m going to behave like an idiot, I want to have the excuse of being properly drunk.”

“Yes, sir.”

Kisame nodded, then turned back to Itachi. “Okay, here’s this: I used to be really popular with the girls.” He scoots closer to his teammate. “Ah, the sake! Thanks. I’m pouring you a glass too. Now look, I used to be a very popular among the girls, especially after my chuunins. Tall, white hair, good face, muscles, humor, the requirements. Slept with a different chick almost every night, no bragging here. Did I ever say I **love** sex? I do.”

Itachi ducks his face deeper into the collar, as if he's not used to talking about sex.

One bottle of sake arrived. He gained a grin. 

“But when I trained for sage, that took a price. Orochimaru is a sage ninja too. He got prettier after making his contract with the snakes. Me? After making my contract with the sharks and spending time at the underwater temple, I became not prettier but I became blue. Overnight. Boom. I went back into the human world. The bullying and microaggressions started. I very quickly got sick of the rotten fish in my mailbox. Political field was filled with demagogues and agrarian socialists that fucked over more people in one term than I had all my life.Mind you, terms lasted a _week_ until some other coattails or Hollow Men tried to grab the kage-chair. I thought, _Fuck the country,_ I wanted to go away. I enlisted to be a guard and escort teams. I would like, guard the information. Not the people. So one night after a fucking long dry spell, this girl I'm supposed to guard start giving me looks. And after ten days, I realize this code decipher girl is flirting with me. Seven hells, I thought I would never get to be with a girl again. We agree to ‘talk’ after dark.” 

He winks, and the grin on his face grows. The alcohol comes in those tiny cups that never get him drunk quickly enough. He has too much muscle, burns it too quickly. His body doesn’t co-operate. But he will act the part, by god, he will act, because he’s never told anyone this story and he needs to get it out. If he looks happy then it might not be a sob story.

"And then?" Itachi asks.

“We set up camp, and poof,” he says. “Sand ninjas close in. They are too close to my liking and my idiot team can’t defend themselves against elitists, so I run them through with Samehada before they can be kidnapped. She’s in the forest. Run to her. I’m thorn between whether I’ll let her get taken by the enemy, that would mean her brain gets mashed to pulp; or I could kill her myself and do my job decently.”

He looked into Itachi’s eyes and lowers his voice to a whisper:

“Do you know what she then says?” he whispered, and he drummed his fingertips on the table. “I'm pushing her to the tree. Enemies around us. She goes, _Kisame, please, don’t kill me, I have to feet my cat!_ So I stopped -you know- because I did the things I did for my job, but I don’t do animal cruelty. So I asked if someone else could take care of it.” 

Itachi moved to the edge of his chair, leaning in.

Kisame's toothy grin reached from ear-to-ear. And his cheeks were flushed dark blue with sake or shame.

This was his moment.

He was bursting to say the punchline.

“She says, _No_ , the chick then goes, _my pussy likes fish!_ ” He burst out into ha-ha-ha’s. He was crying, and he shook with laugher. He slammed his hand on the table. The cups rattled. “Get it? Get it? Pussy. Fish? She was comedy gold! Last time I had so much fun!”

Itachi snorts, it's quiet but amused.

Kisame is proud of himself. He got Itachi to smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment! I'm only uploading my stuff here for the comments, I don't really care about the kudos tbh.


End file.
